not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize