nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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