Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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