I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
