So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
