True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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