an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
