can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
