You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
