Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
