Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
