We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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