Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
