pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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