I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
