By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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