Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
