your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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