just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
