i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
