K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
