Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
