Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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