Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just gift wrapped bread.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
