i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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