Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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