I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
