I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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