if i can run in heels then i can drive
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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