For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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