I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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