Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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