his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
