There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize