What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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