I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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