Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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