He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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