I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
