I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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