i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Sober January is a disaster.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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