Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
