Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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