I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
