Can i not drive my cunt home
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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