My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
