he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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