Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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