i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
