don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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