Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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