apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
