I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
