Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
