You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
