What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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