I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
