plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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