She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
