i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
