Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
