I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
