I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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