when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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