I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
