he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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