you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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